Trust

Thankfully, our house is filled with much joy and laughter with 5 of the most hilarious little people ever living under our roof! During their wake times, it is really easy to ignore the hurt and focus on joy. It is really almost impossible not to. And then there are the times that the house is painfully quiet. Times that Marvin and I get a moment to think, pray, come together and bring our hurts to Lord and try to leave them at His feet. Let me tell you, those quiet times have been very hard the last few days. It is a continuous struggle to lay our burdens at His feet and lean into His arms and to trust Him with our children. It is hard to remember that He is Faithful when facing trials and hurts, it is not that I do not KNOW that He is faithful, it is just that I don't always FEEL that He is. Does that make sense? I think it is so much easier to go through something myself than it is to know my child will. It is very hard to praise God for my child's suffering. I know that He has promised to work ALL things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I TRULY believe that. I truly believe that God WILL work even this for good. That said, it breaks my heart that my precious little boy has to go through hardships in the process of that good. God is reminding me that this life is but a fleeting moment in eternity. We don't know how much Autism will effect Josh in the span of his life here on earth. Maybe a lot, maybe not much at all. We don't know how much he will truly know love and be able to love in return during his life here. I can deal with the tantrums, the lack of communication and eye contact, and quirkiness. It breaks my heart to think he may not understand and know how much we love him. What I do know for certain is that we will do everything we can to get through and pray he will live a fairly normal life full of love and loving others. I also know that at the end of this time here, he will be made whole and complete and WILL know love and love fully when he is face to face with our Savior and THAT will last for eternity!

Those that know me well, know that in my times of darkness, I turn to music to minister to my heart and soul. I read and pray, but there is something about singing to and about God with all that I am that breaks through my barriers like nothing else. Those that don't know that about me, well, you just learned something new! I cannot sing to save my life, but I am sure that my God doesn't care!!!! During these last weeks, I've done something that I swore I'd never do! I've added music to this blog! GASP! I know, desperate times call for desperate measures! I added songs that are truly ministering to and reminding me who my God is and what this life is all about! FYI, it is not to be happy and comfortable! It is to glorify my creator and I will choose to do this full of praise. No matter my circumstances, GOD HAS NOT CHANGED!!!!!!!!!! He is still the most AWESOME God and I will choose to praise Him and to trust Him. His love is still here, and is what will bring us all through this with great joy!